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Why women struggle to experience pleasure

Lately, I have been noticing how many women feel uncomfortable with pleasure. It shows up in a variety of ways – being uncomfortable with physical touch, an inability to relax, being unsure of what truly satisfies them, describing anything remotely enjoyable as “guilty” or “naughty” and being constantly “on guard”.

I believe a huge part of this is because pleasure has been confused with sexuality.

Sensuality = experiencing the world through your 5 senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, sound)

Sexuality =  a combination of your thoughts, feelings, and attraction towards others, involving the senses.

As children, we are born experiencing the world in a sensory way. It is pure and good and it is also how we learn. We are clear about what we like and dislike. What we want more of and what we want to avoid.

But pretty soon, social conditioning kicks in. Around the same time that our bodies are beginning to be flooded with hormones and we start to become aware of our own budding sexuality, we are learning what it takes to be likeable and attractive to others.

What does it take? Controlling our senses.

Young women learn to curb their senses because controlling them equates to being attractive. Control what you eat. Control how you move. Control your appearance. Everything is about modifying yourself to appeal to the senses of others.

So we lose touch with our senses and how we feel. We dissociate. We repress. We hide what we are feeling. We become performative. We lose access to what we feel attracted to and instead focus on how we can attract others. Although this all happens subconsciously, it is not by accident – there is a power system that benefits – Patriarchy. As long as women believe that they exist for the benefit of others, the system works. What is the tool used to maintain the status quo? Shame. There are certain names used for women who appear to be in touch with their own pleasure. Loose. Indecent. Debaucherous. Lewd. Wanton. And more.

So it’s understandable why many women aren’t experiencing pleasure, in daily life or the bedroom and why we would shy away from prioritizing our understanding of it. And yet, it is the only road back to you. Life is meant to be lived through the 5 senses, not the mind. Viewing a sunset, drinking a glass of wine, the sound of leaves crunching underfoot, hugging your loved ones. All of these are sensory experiences and what I am finding is that many women feel lacklustre, not because they need to try harder to be more successful or more attractive or more likeable, but because they need to be more present.

“Lose your mind and come to your senses.” – Fritz Perls

At first, this seems to suggest that we should all just delve into a meaningless, anything goes existence.  Au contraire! Honouring the mind-body connection allows us to connect to the present moment and be led by our body in shifting our focus from habitual thoughts enough to observe ourselves. This is the beginning of freedom!

Sensuality and pleasure are not naughty, they’re an essential part of our humanity. Our mind-body connection is proof that we’re hardwired for more than just survival – We were made to thrive.  If you are experiencing anxiety & stress and a feeling of being detached or overwhelmed, this is exactly what you need to come home to yourself.

You don’t have to continue to feel like a shell, a stranger in your own body, managing the huge gap between what people see and what is going on deep down inside. If you are sick of existing and want to feel fully alive, I invite you to find out more about the work that I do. How you could find safety as you come back into your body, bridging the gap between head and heart. You can book a transformation call with me and leave a comment below.